The Cutting Epidemic:

This year was my first year that my grades "Count" toward college, and that was scary..  My dad is on the STEM program with the state of Utah, so I knew how important my grades were and where they needed to be for college someday.  But that was hard!  I felt a need to be perfect with my grades and then everything else I did, so when I didn't get a very good grade I became very stressed.  I knew it was important to my parents for me to get good grades and I wanted to please them and everyone around me.  The stress inside me started to grow and I discovered "Cutting" on Instagram.  At first it made me feel better.  It made me forget about the bad grades and helped me feel better on the inside because I hurt on the outside.  It helped me focus on trying harder to get better grades, and when I felt like I was failing I cut myself.  My friends were doing it, and many people I know are doing it.. It felt kinda cool.  But then I couldn't stop.
In November I had fellow students bet that I would become pregnant, that hurt, it wasn't funny to me.  I started feeling fatter than I really am, so I started thinking I didn't need to eat.  Things were growing out of control and I kept cutting myself.  One of my best friends called my mom in December, she saved my life!  She told my mom what I was doing to myself and cried!  She showed me she loved me by wanting me better.  Then she did one of the bravest things ever, she called me!  She told me what she had done and that she love me.  I was mad at first because I knew my parents now knew, but I quickly realized that she had more courage than ever to tell the truth and to be my true friend!  I started therapy in December, and they put me on anti depressants, but instead of feeling better inside I started to feel worse.  I received text messages that were vulgar and disgusting.  My best friend again saved me by turning the texts into our Vice Principal.  The Vice Principal helped the text's stop from coming, but they had said terrible things and it made me hurt worse inside.  I went to therapy again and I still did not feel better.  So I turned to social media again, and I cut myself worse.  My parents had an emergency meeting with my therapist on a Saturday night after they found out what I planned on doing to myself.  But it still did not make me feel better inside.  I kept cutting.  I kept hiding it from my parents. 
After the text messages stopped, I started being bullied by fellow students.  So I continued to cut myself.  The cutting had now become a habit, something I couldn't control, something I needed to do.  I cut when I felt stressed about a test, I cut when someone said something bad about me, I cut when I felt like I had disappointed the people around me, and I thought it was making me feel better.  Because what I felt inside was empty!  On February 21st, I had one of the worst days in school that I have ever had.  I called me mom, like I did every day and begged her to come and pick me up from school.  She picked me up from school and I was at lunch hiding in the bushes outside.  She took me home and found razors I had used to cut myself again and she got scared.  She was scared for me and hurting because she didn't know how to make my pain go away, she said it was time to get me some help, and I got scared, so I ran away from home!  I don't know what I was really thinking, I just knew I didn't want to go away, and I didn't want to feel empty anymore.  I was found that night by a very nice Dance teacher I have.  When I got home, I started to understand how loved I really was.  My house was surrounded by A TON of people, I felt numb inside, scared inside, empty inside, I was ready for my nightmare to end! 
My parents admitted me to the hospital that night.  I don't really remember much about that night, but I can tell you a WHOLE lot about what I learned in the hospital that week.  My pills that I had been prescribed were not the right pills for me and were not producing Serotonin,  no serotonin equals no happy Shawnee.  After they found the right medicine, I was able to learn that I am unique, I am special.  There will never be another Shawnee Thompson around.  The world needs me, and I want to help the world.  I learned that when I cut myself I really don't feel better.  Instagram, facebook, social media, my friends, the world, made cutting look cool!  It made cutting seem like it was something cool you did.  Let me tell you the facts.  When you cut yourself your heart rate accelerates, it releases endorphins into your body.  So what feels to us like a release of our inside pain, is just a temporary solution to what we feel inside!  So was my hurt going away, no!  Did it feel like it, yes!   I was addicted.  I learned that there are many natural ways to increase my heart rate and get my body pumping to help my hurt go away.  I learned it was okay to take care of myself.  And I learned that I can talk about my hurt and that doesn't make me week, it makes me strong. 
This last week I tried out for cheerleader and I didn't make the team.  During tryouts one of the fellow girls exclaimed, "Shawnee what is that on your legs?" I told her honestly that it was where I had caused myself self harm.  Her answer, "Why would you do that to yourself?"  When I tried out for cheer I froze.  I felt the judges eyes were right on my legs, why would they want a cheerleader like me?  I am ready to answer the world why someone would want me!  I AM SPECIAL!!  Why would I do this to myself, because I hurt inside, very bad.  Because I had an addiction, I wanted to feel better inside.  I'm proud of the scars I now have!  They represent a stronger, better me, they make me who I am! They show me that I can do hard things, they show me that I am now okay!  Each person has there own happy moment.  Even if it starts out as a moment that you feel better, concentrate on that moment, let yourself have hope inside!
To all my fellow friends that have the same problem I did, be honest about what you feel inside.  It's okay to hurt so bad you don't know what to do.  There is a lot of pressure for people to be the perfect them.  I learned in the hospital that, YOU can only be the best YOU that YOU can be today!  Instagram, facebook, texting, will not make you feel better about who you are inside.  It doesn't matter how many "likes" you have!  Give yourself a break and celebrate each day that you made it!  Celebrate being you!  Have HOPE! 
Please join me in being a Team E.I.E.G.T and become my Teammate!!